|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 18, 2009 8:57:59 GMT -5
Name: Serena Wayne
Birthdate: August 26, 1979.
Birthplace: Fairport, California
Height: 5’5”
Body Type: Tall, thin, but voluptuous
Skin Tone: pale white
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: Black
Hairstyle: long and loose
Nationality/Ethnicity: American
Powers: Telekinesis, Teleportation, Telepathy, Pyrokinesis, Empathy
Special Equipment: Inhibitor collar that stops most of her nightmares but suppresses most of her powers.
Biography: Serena’s powers started to manifest when she was very young, heralded by many violent nightmares. In an effort to control her powers, her father inducted her into a project by Arkham Technologies to measure psychic powers. This traumatized her, causing her to psychically attack the scientists, killing some of them. When she was 7 years old, she was put into a ‘controlled’ coma and locked in the Vault, an underground chamber that nullified her psychic abilities. While she was in her coma, she was repeatedly implanted with cloned embryos in the hope that one would inherit her psychic abilities to control a cloned army. Only one survived to term, being born when she was 16 years old, named Peter Fargo. When he was ten, Alma, despite being in a coma, linked her mind to his, calling for him to release her. With the aid of his cloned army, he nearly succeeded, but was killed by both Arkham Technology corporate security and a mercenary team called the Shadowrunners. The Vault’s life support systems were turned off, but despite this, she took six days to die, at the age of 26. Soon after, Arkham Technologies went bankrupt, and all data involving their psychic experimentation was lost.
On August 7, 2009, the nuclear reactor powering the Vault suffered a partial meltdown, devastating the largely abandoned district over the Vault. The capsule containing Serena floated out to sea, and ended up washing up on Hawaii, near Monsterhouse. Found by the Missing Link, she was brought to the house. Then for reasons yet unknown, she ceased being a corpse and ‘woke up,’ becoming a living person once more.
Catchphrase: “I want to help.”
Personality quirks: Because of her experiences, she has a deep-seated inherent distrust of scientists, so Doctor Cockroach is very mindful of his behavior around her, as well as the other scientists of the Humanitarian Environmental Analysis Team. Because she was in a coma for most of her life, she still exhibits childlike behavior on many occasions. She doesn’t talk much, preferring to communicate telepathically in most cases. However she does have a very beautiful singing voice. She has started to warm up to B.O.B. as a surrogate little brother and to Susan as a surrogate big sister (literally and figuratively). She doesn’t like John Doe because his mind doesn’t seem to exist at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 18, 2009 21:37:42 GMT -5
Aww... I hate to be like this, but I don't think this character will stand out in any way. She sounds like a typical female psychic; skinny yet top-heavy (think X-Men's Jean Grey), cruel experiments as a child, yet a deep-rooted desire to be a good guy. That catch phrase alone just gives me the impression of a Mary-Sue character. Does she have any disadvantages? A personality flaw?
If you think you can pull it off, then you should go for it. If I'm the only one with any issues, then it may just be that I'm getting too picky.
I'll say this though; your backstories are well thought out. Sure, there are aspects that have been used before, but that doesn't mean they aren't good.
Once again, this is only meant as criticism, not anything against your OC's.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 19, 2009 6:22:14 GMT -5
She sees dead people almost all the time. Except unlike that kid from the Sixth Sense, she can't help them at all, but only see the flames surrounding them and hear their constant screams as they know happiness exists but they will be forever denied it, no matter how hard they fight. That in turn provides the high-octane nightmare fuel for most of hers, which the inhibitor collar can never suppress.
|
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 19, 2009 23:14:14 GMT -5
Well, that would only work if you want to paint death as eternal suffering. There are many fates worse than death. That's why some people call it release. If she sees only people that died with regret, then why? Everyone regrets something, but only a few are said to come back to try and fix it. Speaking of which, why can't she help? Osment didn't have any psychic powers but he could help the ghosts he encountered by merely letting their families know what happened, or how they were doing. Ms. Wayne somehow can't do that as an adult?
But what I mean to say is that the psychic type character is largely overdone to the point where I (once again this becomes something I have an issue with) would say they are no longer original.
Aw geez. There I go again. If I'm not helping any, please just say so. I'll leave you alone if you feel I'm just being nit-picky or bothersome. But please understand that's not my intention. I hate to see talent go unpolished. You clearly put a lot of drive and effort into your stories. Far too many people I know have given up on going after something like this just because of the amount of work involved.
The saddest part is that I know they could make it. Even some members of my own family...
|
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 20, 2009 6:14:55 GMT -5
If she sees only people that died with regret, then why? Everyone regrets something, but only a few are said to come back to try and fix it. Speaking of which, why can't she help? Osment didn't have any psychic powers but he could help the ghosts he encountered by merely letting their families know what happened, or how they were doing. Ms. Wayne somehow can't do that as an adult? It's something about the nature of her powers. She's strongly affected by the underlying negative emotions that every human being has because she somehow soaks it up like a sponge. Plus the spirits she sees are more of the malevolent kinds, which she has to take care not to allow come back to our plane of existence, the kinds that would rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order. You don't want to help them, right? When I say she has nightmares, I'm talking waking up screaming your throat raw type nightmares where the room looks like a tornado hit in the best case scenario. Think being a telepath means you’re an automatic snoop and spy? Well maybe, but the trick isn’t getting into people’s thoughts. It’s keeping them out. Imagine this. You’re in a house and in every room of that house there’s a radio playing very loudly. And they all have different stations so no one song is playing at the same time. And a lot of times they’re all playing annoying commercials. And you can’t change the stations or turn off the radios. Even when you are trying to go to sleep. Now imagine that each room also has about 5 to ten television sets. And of course they are all showing different channels at full volume and you can’t turn them off either. They are playing at the same exact time as the radios. It gets better. Now imagine on some of the stations somehow you end up as the star. That’s right. You are on the TV. Some of the situations you are in are kind of funny like seeing yourself fall in the mud or have a bad hair day. Some are really bizarre, like you’re running around in a loincloth fighting bad guys. Or kissing somebody. Often somebody you don’t even like or would even dream of kissing of. Some of them they show you being violently killed, tortured, raped and god knows what other things. And some of them get more and more graphic. And the worst part is, these shows have some bizarre laugh track where the audience is laughing and clamoring for more. Is it any surprise she has a mental self image like this afterwards?  I thank you for your criticisms, but damn it, I'm going to keep her. |
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 20, 2009 8:17:28 GMT -5
By all means. I never meant to imply that you should scrap her. I was just... How should I put this? Maybe rethink her abilities? She sees death and suffering all around her, has no way to toggle it on or off, not even when she sleeps. Why? Because that's just the nature of her powers? How do powers distinguish between positive and negative emotion? Both trigger the same effects in the human brain, so unless her powers themselves are sentient (if they are, then they are extremely malicious), there is no reason to be drawn strictly to the negative.
But maybe I'm reading this wrong. You say she sees weird or funny stuff as well. Is the focus on the negative somehow her own doing? Think of this as more food for thought. Come up with some good answers and you have a more solid character, regardless of what picky cads like myself think. Not that you don't already have a solid CHARACTER, I just find the powers to be uninspired.
Oh, and something I just realized. How is empathy a power? Most people have this (at least the ones with any moral sense). Do you mean she not only reads people's emotions, but she actually feels them? Like when someone is angry does her heart begin to pump faster? Is she irritable for no apparent reason?
Now that I think about it, I've changed how I look at the typical superhero/special powers type characters. When someone gets one, and it just seems too good to be true, then the characters kind of lose me. How fortunate they are to gain the ability to blast something from long range with no effort. How awesome it would be to hurl a truck like it was a pebble.
I love to ponder the implications. I don't understand how a character can actually struggle if their new-found abilities are completely under their own control. It's as if there's a switch in their brain that they can toggle anytime they wish, without any negative effects to themselves. Think Superman. He has it all. Because of that, hes boring. So boring that they had to make up a ridiculous way for anyone to have a chance of beating him. Magic rocks from his home planet? So he would be extremely sick and frail if his homeworld never blew up? I don't buy it. What if a character's abilities were automatically triggered (not just random, more like a bodily function)? There would be a lot of adjustment required on their part. That kind of struggle can really help define a character.
But your OC's seem to be affected by their abilities. That's the way it should be. Your cyborg feels isolated, and your psychic is disturbed. Their abilities are part of them. They can't pick and choose when they want to use them (except for any weapons John may have, but that's part of their design)...
You know what? Put up, or shut up, I like to say. Here I am, critiquing your work with nothing to show for it. That's not exactly fair to you. Tell you what, I'm on vacation starting tomorrow. I'll create a few characters, and see what people think of them. Biting isn't so fun when you're on the fleshy side, yeah? Time to risk getting bit myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 20, 2009 8:52:20 GMT -5
"With great power comes great insanity" is one of the things I keep in mind when giving an OC special abilities. Why do you think there are so many supervillains and not superheroes?
Good luck with your OCs.
|
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 20, 2009 10:28:08 GMT -5
Thanks. I'm hoping you'll be just as critical as I am.
Yeah, I can see where insanity would come into play for some powers (uncontrollable nightmare visions would do that). Then again, that assumes that being different is a bad thing, no matter what. That's a view I can't stand. I love the bizarre, the strange, the abnormal. That doesn't mean it shouldn't make sense. Some suspension of disbelief is fine (the whole super abilities concept, advanced technology, etc.), but use it sparingly. "Because it is" only works for vague ideas that set the foundation for the setting/story, not for intricate details.
Hmmm... Anyone here play Star Ocean 4? The game had one of the most annoying set of cliche characters you could ever imagine. One of the worst offenders in my mind was the female lead. She was augmented as a child (so was the male lead, but he was too dense to realize it, even though the lady knew all along). Her ability was almost perfect adaptation to anything the environment threw at her. She even survived an overdose of radiation poisoning.
I would think that kind of ability would be cool (kinda do have that, as I seem to never get sick, but that's just my hubris talking there). However, she thinks she's a monster just because she's different. In her mind, different = bad. I wanted to rip her head and spine right out of her back for being so melodramatic with such an awesome gift. That is the kind of insanity that I can't fathom. Not every person with a super ability needs to have an emotional trauma, tragic past, or dislike of their powers. Can't someone have a power that acts more like a setback, yet they keep a positive outlook? Hold on. Ignore that. I'll use that for one of my characters.
Time to crack the window open and let in some fresh air. The world of superheroes is starting to smell like force-meat.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 20, 2009 21:15:02 GMT -5
Time to crack the window open and let in some fresh air. The world of superheroes is starting to smell like force-meat. Force-meat? Do I want to know what that is? The only thing that really bugs me is that there only seems to be one person (you) who has taken the time to seriously comment on my OCs. Oh, a personal tip for you when you make your OCs: The pragmatic survive, and the determined thrive, but faith manages. |
|
|
|
Post by Nobility on Jun 20, 2009 21:46:39 GMT -5
*Puts on smarty-pants glasses*
Well, to answer your question, for me, I don't comment on OC profiles because I honestly can't make an accurate judgement of the character just from his or her profile. I need to see them in the context of the story for me to judge, because THAT'S where they matter. Don't get me wrong, profiles are nice, but they don't necessarily serve as good critique boards- I can't truly tell if she's a good character or not just from reading her back-story. After all, just because she has a tragic backstory doesn't automatically make her a sue.
That said, if I had to make a critique, I'd like to ask one question- what purpose does your OC hold? Why is she on the team? What contribution does she make to the plot and/or team dynamic that wasn't there before and couldn't be better served by another canon character? What makes her unique and irreplaceable?
She, obviously, has a well-thought out back-story, I'll give you that, but I still don't really see a point as to why she has to be on the team (unless she's supposed to be an RP character. If so, cool, she's solid!) beyond a token psychic character.
I feel the same about your John Doe character. They aren't bad, necessarily, I just haven't read enough about them to be convinced they were necessary additions to the team.
I don't mean to come off pretentious or demanding, I'm just stating my opinion.
|
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 20, 2009 21:49:54 GMT -5
Not entirely sure what that's supposed to mean, but thanks. I mean, what is faith going to do for me in the creative process?
Oh and don't worry about force-meat. It's food. It's basically meat and animal fat that has been emulsified (mixed) by grinding the crap out of it. Think sausage, bologna, or braunswager. When cooked they can be very tasty, but raw... egh... smelly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mansion on Jun 21, 2009 22:35:51 GMT -5
Hmm.
As a matter of personal preference, there are a couple reasons I passed up your fanfiction and OCs.
1. OCs are a real hard sell for a lot of readers, myself included. There's not a lot you can do about this.
2. The tone of your OCs seems predominantly darker, serious, and intensely sci-fi based. Not keeping in the tone of the movie (lighthearted, parodic, etc.). Which isn't so much a misstep on your part as an asthetic choice I, as a reader, don't really care for. I mean, I'm a fan of the movie because of the elements it contains, and this is something completely different with a thin veneer of the movie painted over it. By all means, you have wonderfully rounded backstories and have put a lot of consideration these characters... Maybe you want to consider writing origional fiction?
3. I've seen, and for the purpose of delievering the critique you've been asking for, finally read your fanfiction. As a rule of thumb, I never read a story that has to go out of its way to explain the setup. The biggest thing I can say is SHOW, NOT TELL. You don't pick up a novel and read a bio of the characters in the first chapter. Yes, of course you should put that kind of thought into creating a character, but you don't dole it all out in one huge, boring chunk.
For instance... The four monsters we meet in the Area all have distinct backstories and personality traits, which we have to be aquainted with in a total of about five minutes so we can go along with the rest of the story. So they use two tricks... Actually introducing each character to the audience surrogate character (Susan) and doing a quick exposition piece to another audience surrogate character (Hathaway). More importantly, even though we know we're recieving an info dump, it's fit organically into the plot and doled out with pacing and comedy. And certain things are left unsaid... i.e. We don't need to be TOLD that Link is macho and posturing or that Cockroach is erudite yet crazy. We learn that on our own.
This is solely a critique of your story Monsterpiece Theather rather than your characters:
(By the way, it's actually "Theatre")
What seems to be going on is that you've created some characters and are just handing us their bios so you can progress with some bits and pieces of stories containing them. That's not how it works. That's too big of a suspension of our disbelief and there's no emotional investment on our parts.
If you're serious about using these characters, then write a real story for them. Introduce them to the team as they are unearthed. Maybe that's more effort than you want to put into it. If so, fine. But be warned that it comes across as slip-shod writing.
As for the two drabbles you've posted thus far... The first one was amusing (I mean, it's what we were ALL thinking... It was funny to see get Susan's reaction), but didn't work especially well as an all-dialouge piece. There wasn't a great sense of who was speaking (Who was talking to Susan? John? Were there multiple characters or what? I can't even tell.) and you missed some oppurtunity for "sight" gags like Susan's dawning realization. There wasn't even enough context to tell if she was angry or embarassed or on the verge of kicking ass. I would suggest adding in a couple of points of description. Trust me, your timing won't suffer for it, and it will make the piece feel more complete.
The second one had potential, but unfortunately, potential was all it had. It read more like a summary than a story. It was JUST talking head exposition. I mean, the potential for a truly great story was there... The whole concept of time-looping and the nihilistic tone of it... But what was the ultimate POINT of it all? There was no character arcing. If it did happen, it was all implied at best. If the big shift, the pivitoal point of the story is supposed to be deciding to take a vacation loop (and I'm really just guessing at this), there isn't enough context to make it a meaningful choice.
And John was just sort of thrown in there randomly. We still don't have any sort of characterization of him. Haven't seen him in action yet. He's just a name and bio so far. No connection with him has been formed on the part of the reader.
Also, the logic of the looping is weird. Why does Link have such a clear perspective of it? There's no real explaination of it. It's just kind of there. You're just not giving us enough to get sucked into your narrative.
Anyway, like I said, the potential is ENORMOUS. But it's just not being reached.
To bring it back towards the subject of Serena...
Yes, marvelous history, very well explained but with key points of mystery that speaks of future story arcs. The Arkham reference make me snerk a bit (I was a HUGE Lovecraft nerd in high school... ^___^).
But, to echo blackboxx, WHY is her life all gloom and doom? There doesn't seem to be a lot of logic to heaping misery after misery upon her, but having her with the strong, level desire to be helpful. It's just... too much, and for what? Is she going to overcome the intense negativity, or is just going to slog over her her whole life and she's going to stagnate in this miserable "I must be a hero" phase? I get the feeling that you're leaning, consciously or not, towards the second.
Selena seems to suffer from just having too many elements. She's haunted, she's an empath, she's childlike, she's physically attractive... And yet, as a whole... She falls sort of flat. There's nothing that sucks me in about her. She has no likable quirk, no spark or humor or life about her. Yes, yes, her life has been horrible. Pity only goes so far.
The best potential here you have is her childlike elements, and yet with that, you're going to have to be careful of stepping on the dynamic of B.O.B.
Hmm. Hope you find something helpful in all this.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 22, 2009 17:37:34 GMT -5
Hmm. But, to echo blackboxx, WHY is her life all gloom and doom? There doesn't seem to be a lot of logic to heaping misery after misery upon her, but having her with the strong, level desire to be helpful. It's just... too much, and for what? Is she going to overcome the intense negativity, or is just going to slog over her her whole life and she's going to stagnate in this miserable "I must be a hero" phase? I get the feeling that you're leaning, consciously or not, towards the second. Hmm. Hope you find something helpful in all this. Actually it's the first. It might take a while, but she'll evolve and change. That's what I intend to do with my characters. Make them grow. It might take a little crack, but it'll happen. |
|
|
|
Post by Kingdragon on Jun 25, 2009 14:53:34 GMT -5
Okay, how would you people make Serena better? I still want her to have a tragic past but not "WAH I'M EMO FEAR MY EMO-NESS!" or something like where she was was brutally gang-raped at the age of 5, and took revenge by flooding the room the perpetrators slept in with a powerful nerve gas, waiting until they were conscious but paralyzed, telepathically causing them to experience intense agony, while simultaneously brutally beating them with a dull machete over the course of three hours until they died.
|
|
|
|
Post by Blackboxx on Jun 25, 2009 16:38:40 GMT -5
Well, for one, I would lighten it up. A horrible experience or two is understandable, but more importantly, it's believable. You seem to have created a massive amount of induced suffering, and dumped it all on this particular character. It's not exactly realistic for that to happen. Tragedy is more than just cruelty from other people. It is loss. It is confusion. It is a costly mistake we could have avoided.
Here's an example from my own past. I had a pet Labrador. She was the sweetest creature on the planet. But, she wasn't well. She was diabetic. I don't know all the traits, but she had a hard time getting around at age 4, vision problems, inability to retain water, etc. One day while I was at school, my father went to let her outside for some exercise (we live out in the country, so there was a lot of space). She wandered off. It was the dead of winter, and a blizzard was coming in. When spring came around, and the snow finally melted, we found her body in a cornfield across the street. That whole ordeal sucked. It was tragic, but life went on. I didn't blame my father because he made a simple mistake. It was a number of factors that caused the whole situation, not just someone being cruel.
Yeah, yeah... I have a sob story. Boo hoo. My point is, tragedy can be more than evil actions or mental suffering. Try exploring some alternatives.
Also, I would consider removing the negative quality from her psychic powers. As I asked before, why does she only see the bad stuff? Why do the ghosts she encounters behave like the reavers in Firefly? Why doesn't she see benevolent spirits? When a character's powers directly cause their suffering without a proper, and plausible explanation (especially when there can be a positive aspect of the power, but it is simply not there), pity is replaced with confusion, or annoyance.
|
|
